I have just come from a Skype conversation with a man I met online two years ago. He is a very handsome and successful businessman who lives in a beautiful part of the U.S West Coast. I hadn’t heard from him in what must be a year now and I was delighted to reconnect with him again. I want to share with you an excerpt from our conversation and also share the insight into how he is only one of so many people I know who complain of the same thing…..RELATIONSHIPS…or lack thereof. His story and the story of so many goes a little like this: ( I have obviously edited any specific references and removed his name to ensure confidentiality.)
David: Its beautiful- now turning to Autumn so its a bit chilly when I get up to do my early morning classes- Are you single still/again?
d: single…..you?
David: yes me too- some dating has occurred /does occur from time to time
David: : )
d: what you doing these days?
David: I’m still coaching my own business – CoreTruth
d: great!
David: enjoying life and its challenges
d: I haven’t met anyone substantial unfortunately…just some players and liars…
David: mmmmm it can be a challenge for sure
d: it has been for sure
David: the thing that has changed my paradigm around everything to do with relationship, is that I know now that everyone I attract in reflects me- everything they are representing is also in me- BIG change once I got that
David: no room for playing the victim of circumstance or people anymore
d: it’s alright though for me…I’m done really trying…I’m just gonna live and see what or who happens
David: cool
David: so long as you havent ‘given up’ and have guarded your heart
d: I guarded my heart along time ago….
d: I don’t trust easily
d: but I have definitely been taken advantage of
d: I’m a nice guy whos pretty honest….guess that’s not standard
David: mmmm makes it difficult to recognise when a potential comes in because you are looking through a distorted lens
d: definitely true
David: this is coming from my own experience by the way!
David: I wouldnt be able to talk about it with clients otherwise
David: not with authenticity anyway
d: I have built such a life around me that I feel it would be hard for anyone to see themselves being able to fit in….
d: I’m waiting for the person strong enough and who cares enough to knock those walls down
d: we shall see handsome
David: why should he have to do that?
David: isnt that something you could do?
d: I suppose
d: I think maybe I intimidate people
David: dont you want someone to be open hearted and loving towards you?
d: of course I do
David: then I also have learned that if I want that from someone, I MUST do that first, even if it scares me
David: I must turn up BEing who I would like to be with
d: I don’t know how to do that
David: it only takes the desire to
David: you dont need to know the how
d: interesting concept
David: the ‘how’ will come , the more you commit to you and your process
David: the more you commit to deconstructing your walls
David: no matter how challenging and hard it appears
d: to be honest I’m at a place where I’m trying to figure out exactly who I am
d: I like me…basically…but I have some distance to grow and present myself authentically
David: we all do
David: we lose ourselves in order to re-acquaint
David: its all part of the process
David: maybe theres a reason why you and I have connected again…..
d: sure…..
David: go and take a look at www.CoreTruth.com.au and see whether it resonates- the thing is, either it will or it wont, but it definitely feels to me like its your time, for you to focus on you. (on the inside)
d: yes sir
David: If you continue to look for trust ‘out there’ in something or someone else, you are giving away your power- no wonder then, people can let you down or leave you wary and suspicious
David: Hahahaha am i sounding like a sargeant major?! ( We don’t use the term Sir very often here!)
d: you are…..
d: I like it…and I appreciate it
d: there’s just something very real and grounded about you
David: anyway- its no pressure- I feel its an exciting time you have ahead of you if you choose- it may feel scary and a bit uncertain but its all moving you towards a freer experience of life
d: thank you! really
d: thanks for the faith….
David: and we can Skype again soon
d: I will
d: thank you David
d: Have a good day….smile big!
David: ur welcome : )
The experience my friend is having is so typical of the way the general population of the world looks at relationship and shows up the expectations we place on others to ‘do the work’. With such assumptions as these, how is it any wonder that we shut off and blame the world?
- Prove to me that you love me enough to put up with my barriers and guarded behaviour’s, break them down so that I can really feel that you truly love me. ( A.K.A I don’t love me so I’m going to give you the Herculean task of not only loving yourself but doing it for me too, and I will need you to continually do and be that for me until you don’t have the energy left and then I can blame you for the breakdown of our relationship!)
- I’ve been hurt and taken advantage of before so I’m going to expect that you will do the same. (A.K.A Isn’t it strange that often we meet what appears to be a different person each time and yet after a while, they start to act up the same way that we don’t like….. mmmmm and the common denominator is who?? )
- I don’t know who I really am, but I expect you to know and do the right thing by me! (A.K.A I expect you to predict everything that I want, even when I don’t know what that is myself – and give it to me all the time, exactly when I want it. You need to be able to mind-read and take responsibility for every communication, both verbal and non-verbal and take a good thrashing when you don’t get it right , OR I change my mind, which is frequently!)
- Its going to take someone really special to ‘fit into’ my life ( A.K.A Compromise! right from the start you are going to have to compromise to have me! I’m going to make it really difficult to be with me and you are going to have to stick around no matter how much I turn up like an idiot and continue to do the things which keep me single!)
- I’m happy enough as I am- I don’t need someone, – but secretly I do – but I shouldn’t need someone, I’m stronger than that!- but it really would be nice to have someone to snuggle up to- all my friends have partners- but I like my freedom!- but what about sharing and loving?-but i have to put up with someone being in my space………..AAARGH! ( A.K.A Confusion! Drama! Too hard! I give up!)
When you start to own up to the truth of what you are really saying, in amongst the words you are using, at the layer of energy, its no longer surprising that you are not getting what you think you want. But you can be sure that you are experiencing, or getting what it is you really want. If you can accept and acknowledge this truth, as painful as it may feel, then the opportunity to choose something new comes forth. In other words, if you can accept that whilst you may be hoping or wishing that you have a special person in your life, the fact that he/she isn’t there is because the whole of you hasn’t yet chosen, or else they would be there already. That there is more truthful, and sometimes courageous conversation you need to have with YOURSELF before you can clear room to embrace another. Move to LOVE YOURSELF before you expect another to do it for you. Keep your heart open, NO MATTER WHAT. Take responsibility (not blame!) for any traumatic experiences you may have encountered and stand back with open arms in readiness for what you have asked for.
The past few months I have been experimenting with the effect of food and exercise on the ability to be present and connected. It has been one of the most revealing processes of my life so far and the extra benefits, such as a trimmer, healthier figure and better sleep are beyond anything I could’ve imagined. So much so, that I have begun incorporating parts of what I have done into the sessions I am doing with my clients so they too can experience the ‘fast track’ effect it has on your journey of remembering your CoreTruth, or in other words, who you really are.
As part of this food and exercise process, I have been supported by some pretty amazing individuals. My exercise and fitness guru, Alana Mann, director of Inspire-Fitness, who has managed to explain working out in a way that inspires me and makes sense to me. As part of the eating plan, I have also been supported by a Naturopath, Anthia Koullouros from Ovvio in Paddington who has guided me on a detox cleanse, the effect of which have also been extraordinary.
One thing that came from Anthia’s session was a great analogy around treating your gut, your physical body, like you would preparing a garden bed. First weeding out the unhealthy eating habits and the bacteria that flourishes in that environment to then seeding the body with new high quality, packed with energy whole foods topped up with beneficial bacteria to ensure maximum gut efficiency.
This is true too if we look at our minds as a garden bed. In the beginning, taking stock of what we are working with by looking at what we are experiencing and how we feel about that is much like surveying the ground and checking the quality of the soil, taking stock. Becoming conscious of what is working for us and what isn’t any longer.
Then we start to look at beliefs and patterns and ideas we have about ourselves, others and the world in general and see which ones are old and limited and which ones are still bringing us joy and then those that we are unaware were causing us drama, much like sorting through the existing plants and flowers from the weeds and becoming aware of what our vision is moving forward so we know which ones we want and which to pull out and let go of. This can be a challenging stage because we may have become very used to some of the weeds and their roots may be deep which means that they need to be pulled out regularly to be free of them. Some rigour and discipline is required at this stage!
Much like reading a new book with new philosophies on life, attending a course or having sessions is like adding new soil and adding fertilizer if the ground is not fertile and rich enough to give you the vision of what you’d like your garden/life to look like. This means you can now add some new plants and start to seed now. Generally your enthusiasm kicks in as you are able to see some of your effort and struggle pay off and still you need to be mindful and present to tend to the new plants and water the seeds. Also the occasional weed sprouts through and threatens the survival of the newly seeded plants. Old patterns and beliefs die hard too don’t they?!
As you step back in your life to acknowledge the shifts and changes which have occurred due to your weeding and seeding, you can appreciate the struggle and challenge from this stage. You can enjoy the scent of the roses! The occasional weed that pops up in your garden doesn’t stress you any longer. Your continued, focused love and attention pays of as you see new opportunities, much like new buds and shoots offering new experiences, fresh energy. You can feel into the contentment of where you are at as the gardener/surveyor/ designer of your life and know that whatever you are experiencing is because you chose it, consciously (and sometimes unconsciously!) and that you showed up and did the work, did what was required to give you this result.
Then, much like nature, the cycle starts again. The job is never done, in our human-ness, not until we leave for the compost heap! So until that point, there are endless choices to make and potential challenges and struggle and yet if we remind ourselves of the weeding and seeding process of life, we can continue to grow and design our gardens of life in exactly the ways we would LOVE to.
I love the analogy and thankyou Anthia for introducing it to me. I trust it will resonate for some of you reading this too. I wonder what you are placing your focus on right now, in this very moment. Is it a weed, a limited idea or belief? or is it on the unlimited vision of a garden beyond the imagination of Capability Brown! You experiencing a life connected to who you truly are. Magnificent, enchanting and perfect just as you are.
x
